The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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