I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
