She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
