the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
