you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
