she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Randomize
