i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
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