I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
We need to rekindle our bromance
why do cheetos always look like penises
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
