a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize