So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
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I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
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I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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