You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
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sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
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The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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