You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
