so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
