Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
We got so high we made milksteak
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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