Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
