the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I won't apologize to a one balled man
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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