I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
