somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
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I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Vodka?
Forever.
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We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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