My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
