so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
