At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
