I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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