Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
