Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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