dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
