I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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