I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
