He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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