Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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