Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
