LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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