you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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