i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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