Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
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I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
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Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
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