Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
