this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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