I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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