I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
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I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
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She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.