Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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