Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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