He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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