good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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