We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
