I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Use "feeling words"
Yay
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
