I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
