I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
