ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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