Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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