So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
