I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
