The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
