I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
