I feel great
I just peed on a car
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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